step up, do it now, or lose me forever.

Thou who eat thy food, shalt be doomed to a lifetime of unhappiness

Tomorrow I start a new job. A fulltime job. I am extremely nervous. So much so, that I can not bring myself to eat. I am stressed. The mother said to me yesterday "since when have you had tiny stick legs? you used to have fat legs like me. How did you get them so thin."

Oh mother, you disgraceful bitch. Whill you make up your mind! Am I fat or thin! Won't you juce choose already? Stop screwing with my mind and just tell me once and for all what your perception of me is!

I have been designing a lot of outfits lately for work. So I have something new and intresting to wear everyday. I would love to post some photos up, but I have a overwhelming fear that someone I know may one day find this blog, and photos would make it impossible for my to deny that it is indeed my blog.

Lately I have been feeling fairly strange. I have had spouts of depressed feelings, a little numbness, some hyperactivity. Not much energy or desire to do anything too productive. Now, due to my 6am-if-not-earlier wakeups, I will be absolutely exhausted, plus the insomnia..

Basically I am screwed.

I really just can't be fucked.

So I went to op shops with my bestfriend the other day as I like to purchase vintage dresses and modernise them.. hem them shorter, fit them properly and cince them in with a vintage belt. Her reaction to everything bothered me. I still have been unable to tell her about my life, what I battle everyday. Eventhough I listen to her and comfort her, she is really never there for me, no matter how many hints I drop. It bothered me how much she complained and went on about how "I came with you.. all this way.. I don't like opshops!! blah blah blah."

Well, bestfriend. Need I remind you that I awoke extremely early one depressed morning of mine, to accompany you to get the morning after pill because you were too embaressed to go alone? Did I open my door to you when you were crying and fighting with your boyfriend. Do I give you advice, and talk to you about your troubles? I do. I am always there for you, and when I needed a few dresses to re-design for work, you have to insult my fashion sense, WHICH, by the way, you borrow those clothes everytime we go out, and WHICH by the way, it a lot better than a cotton on singlet and leggings. And then to complain that I never do anything for you?

Well, bestfriend. I am battling depression/bipolar every day of my life. I fight suicide thoughts and attempts. I try to help those whom I know that also battle similar things. I suffer through insomnia every night. And I have a broken heart. This is just the beginning of my troubles.

STEP UP AND START ACTING LIKE A BESTFRIEND.

Or you will lose me, for I will give up on you, or I will give up on myself.